What if I’m not enough
The year was 2012 and I was sitting in a church pew on a hot summer evening in Lincoln Park, Chicago. I was feeling good despite having $48 in my checking account. I had attracted a ticket into my reality to see Iyanla Vanzant present at our Spiritual Center! Look at me GO!
It felt like we waited for hours. I could feel the sweat dripping down my back as I used my purse to fan myself. Finally, the church’s front doors flew open wide. Music blasted through our speakers and down the aisle danced Iyanla Vanzant flanked by her people. They danced down the aisle and the energy in the room blasted off.
Iyanla’s presence, whew! She oozed confidence earned by going through shit, owning it and calling others out on theirs. There was a part of me that was magnetized to her. I recognized my desire to move past something. I recognized my desire to take up space. To be seen. To be heard. I recognized my desire to celebrate a woman who had moved past her something and was shinning her light while helping others heal.
When she was finished speaking she took questions.
If you have a questions stand up and we will get a microphone to you.
To my horror I stood up.
Sit down! What are you doing? I was frozen in the standing position. I heard taunts in my head- reminding me of my smallness while simultaneously reminding me of my too muchness! What the fuck are you doing?!
God knows I had plenty of opportunity to sit down but I couldn’t.
The microphone made its way to me and here’s what I can tell you.
I didn’t have a properly formed question in my mind. Just desire to feel her transmit something key to me.
She asked, what do you REALLY want to know? She sounded irritated. I couldn’t blame her.
What do I really want to know? I searched my heart and blurted out:
Am I enough?
Her’s was a one word answer: Yes.
Next question? She moved her attention to the balcony.
What the fuck?!…What I REALY wanted to know from Iyanla Vanzant, a complete stranger, is if I was enough? She doesn’t know me? How could she tell?
That was over a decade ago and it still haunts me. What should I have asked? What was my body standing up in that hot church really desiring to know?
I’ll tell you what, if I could go back in time and do it all over again I’d say:
Iyanla Vanzant I LOVED the way you entered this room and weren't afraid to have everyone’s eyes on you. The way you wear your clothes and attitude with confidence makes me want to sing. I recognize something in you that is trying to claw its way out of me. It is called Enoughness and it scares the hell out of me. Did it scare you too? How did you claim it so thoroughly that you can transcend from playing small and rocket into helping others from your Enoughness? Sister, would you tell me because it isn’t easy and it looks like you have it figured out.
That is what I’d say but, the answer? The answer will still need to, and always need to come from within! She could tell me step 1 to done, and I’d take notes so detailed that failure would seem improbable. However, the knowing isn’t in the notes.
It was her resonance that I received that day and it is still working its magic on me. I didn’t care what she said because I wasn’t ready to hear it, receive it, or digest it.
We need to stop looking outside ourselves. Turn within. Iyanla and our mamas can tell us all day long that we are enough and it won’t mean what we are craving it to mean until we hear it in our own voice validating that we are indeed, enough. In the meantime, surround yourself with those that exude it for themselves and be open to aligning with it for yourself. Be open to receiving its transmission of truth and love.
With love and Enoughness, xox Tamara
